I'm supposed to be writing a piece about Ago for the quarterly Armenian Magazine that the Priest publishes. I'm at a loss for words because I don't know what and how to write it. It seems that I want to write one thing, but my mother has her own ideas, and the Der Hayr is expecting something completely on his own. I have not been procrastinating this; I've been constantly thinking about what I want to say. It has not consumed me yet...but I have not been at home recently so it has not been as real. Whenever I'm at home is when reality strikes. When I'm in the ATX it's like "Yeah, Ago is gone...but I'm far away. If he was alive he would not be as big as my life if I was at home." Everything at home has been difficult. My parents have been mourning his loss, his things are scattered around the house, but i still can't believe he is gone. I went to Phoenicia yesterday and i really didn't want to go. I have yet to go to the Vitamin Shoppe. I don't really see a reason why...but i want closure with him there and it seems that if I go there he's somehow with me. I know that sounds...well...that sounds...

This is what I want: I want people to know the real Ago, what kind of man he was, but of course this has to be kept in the context of the Armenian heritage and religion, so....no still i want people to know who Ago was. But first do I know who Ago was?

Memories of My Grandfather

Besides being Ago's only granddaughter I was also one of his chaeffeurs. Immediately after he moved to the Woods my mother and I tag teamed on taking him to the regular places: HEB, Krogerine, "that store", and the Vitamin Shoppe. While we frequented all these, the stores we went to on a weekly basis were HEB and Krogerine. Because it was like clockwork, the cashiers and produce department employees began to expect us. Kroger's knew that every Wednesday, Ago and either his daughter or granddaughter would come in, buy his produce and Evian, and pay with his favorite cashier, K and smile with his amigo, our bagger Lawrence. It got to a point where Kroger, a national chain grocery store, became like a local mom and pop place. Every time I left K would tell me "Say hi to your mom for me!"

We knew the people who worked there and they knew us.

When I went with Ago I always looked for our cashiers, Z and Miss Lisa. They both were so patient with us and I can't speak for them, but it always seemed to me that they were happy to see us and they genuinely like Ago. I'm having some trouble explaining why...but i have this to share.

I went to HEB last week, and I stuck to my hold habits: I looked for our cashiers. I went to register seven were i found Miss Lisa. Apparently my mother had informed them about Ago's death. Immediately she told me her condolences and then went on to tell me about her memories of my grandfather. I was touched: someone else telling me their memories of mygrandpa. I was so happy to hear he made a small impression on her. Here was a lady I knew because of a weekly routine, she was always patient and friendly towards us, and she was telling me about the time she postponed her break because my grandpa was waiting in her line. She talked about the way he kept track of his change, how he dressed, and the way he'd usually pay for my groceries. She mentioned all the things about Ago that defined Ago. She told me she didn't know her grandparents and what a blessing it is/was for me to have such a close relationship with mine. She talked about Ago in a way that made me grateful that I really knew my grandfather.

I think this is one of the last pictures taken of Ago. He came over to our house just to come over. Maybe there was a specific purpose, I really don't remember. But, I love this picture. Everything about it: Ago in the passenger seat (I was taking him home), his hat, his jacket, el bastón, is Ago. And the smirk on his face has evolved from icy stares at the camera to a state of happiness that does not need a smile. Just a subtle grin.

Someone de-friended me on Facebook, and I don't know why. Did I mistakenly write something horrible on their wall? Not post on their birthday? Look at their profile? Or did they decide they didn't want to be friends with me? Participate in the Whopper Challenge? If it's the first one then why? Were we ever really friends? Apparently not I guess? Obviously there are more questions than answers that...so......I'm a little upset, but I'll be fine. Compared to everybody else, my friend amount is low so every friend counts! Oh wait-it's quality not quantity that counts in a friendship, right?? Take that Facebook.

Today I realized that I spend too much time on Facebook. It's ridiculous. And I'm not even being productive. Just looking at other people's status and their profile. I could be doing more productive things with my time. That's why I have decided to take a little break from Facebook. Starting tomorrow morning I will not be checking Facebook for several days. At least until the weekend is over. Instead of logging in, I have come up with a list of things to do instead:

• Work on this blog. (Duh!) This blog means a lot to me but I don't think I've accurately portrayed that.
• Read. I love to read. Right now I'm working on Fasting, Feasting by Anita Desai. I started reading this book back in May when Ago was in the hospital. It's taken me too long to finish it. Almost three months. That is so wrong for me. I've been known to finish books in one day. (Well...those are usually my legal thrillers, the John Grishams')
• Speaking of Grisham, I still need to read The Associate.
• Exercise. What more can I say? I don't need to list this--this needs to be done everyday.
• Cook. I should bring down my tagine and use it more often. Whenever I use it everything turns out delicious. And also try cooking the things I've always wanted to but never had the time and probably won't have the time too in the upcoming months. Like Lobster. I know, I know too ambitious for a novice.
• Watch TV? I question this one because lately I've noticed that I don't have the patience to watch television anymore. But if I'm being entertained or learning then that's productive.
• Art. Learn it/Create it. I have some nupastels that I've been itching to use. Along with a large sketch pad they're just sitting in my room in the package.
• Sleep. I learned last semester that naps are GOOD.
• Explore the ATX. I feel like there is so much more than what i already know. And I'm missing out on a lot of what it has to offer.
• Study/get ahead for next semester. Yeah right. Notice how this one is last.

We'll see how everything turns out. Ojalá that this all works out and my time is used in a more productive manner. I know---no----I am sure that it will be.

Time to get back to blogging

I can't think of anything new to blog. It's been a rough past couple weeks and I don't want to imagine how the next year is going to be. Birthdays, holidays, will all seem so different now. His presence in our lives, in my life, was so huge that now all there is is an empty space. I knew he would pass away one day, but I thought it there would be more time. Processing this has been difficult, but contrary to what i previously stated, I believe time is key.